Irina Shayk is on the cover of the new issue of Sports Illustrated. This you already know, quite possibly because we told you. Or maybe you're just generally aware of such things, being a pop cultury, switched-on kind of guy. With big events like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition come things like launch parties. So Irina went to one of them. And probably had a lovely old time.

Nobody ever found out what "only Vegas" could do

The party was held at the LAX nightclub in America. We're assuming this is why we weren't invited. The swimsuit issue has become the biggest issue of Sports Illustrated's year, having been 'a thing' since 1964. Elle Macpherson holds the record for most covers, appearing on five. Christie Brinkley has appeared on three. We haven't appeared on any, but we suspect we'd look rubbish in a bikini and are not really what they're after. Fair do's.

This is what Irina Shayk looks like on her cover.

Kate the Great was mis-sold. She was actually very small.

We believe the term is BAM! Also at the party was Brooklyn Decker, who was last year's Swimsuit Edition cover girl. She probably came to the party to hand over her crown. Or to have a lightsaber duel to the death. We're not really sure how these things work.

Or maybe she just came because she thought there was free pineapple and cheese on sticks. We hope there was, for her sake. We may never know. Perhaps we'll write her a letter and ask.