In a surprising act of astute thriftiness, Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend Irina Shayk went to the cinema last night. What with it being Wednesday, she’d have got two tickets for the price of one. But Ronners wasn’t there with her. He was too busy preparing for Real Madrid’s game against Malaga tonight by plucking his eyebrows, slathering himself in fake tan, and doing sit-ups.

Which is a lot like our pre-match routine of lying in bed peering out the window at the unforgiving wind and rain, incessantly checking our phone for the ‘Game’s off – waterlogged pitch’ text and remembering we’ve forgotten to clean our boots, meaning they’ve developed some rather suspicious looking growth which looks a lot like the watercress we grew in junior school science but tastes much, much worse.


Shayk tried to hide the dress cut 'n shut

But surely a bundle of comely loveliness like Irina Shayk didn’t have to go to the cinema on her own? Going to a film on Orange Wednesday on your own must be the single most depressing act a person can ever undertake. Instead of a free ticket, they probably hand you a certificate made from the moulted fur of abandoned puppies which serves as official confirmation that you’ve become so socially isolated that no one is willing to watch a film for free, just because they’d have to sit next to you. They wouldn’t even have to look at you or talk to you, because it’s dark and loud, but still they’d rather stay at home watching Villa schoolboys take a beating from Roberto Mancini’s billionaires in the FA Cup or Jamie Oliver encouraging David Starkey to abuse a slightly plump boy in Jamie’s Dream School.

 
"Come on, Starkey, do your worst..."

Luckily, Irina Shayk wasn’t on her own. She went with the Cinema Society. We don’t really know what that is. It doesn’t sound very cool. The film she went to was Happythankyoumoreplease, the tagline for which is ‘Go get yourself loved’, which, if you happened to be seeing on a Wednesday on your own, would probably be the straw that made the camel take it’s own life.