Order! Order! Order in the court. The preliminary hearing in the grand theft trial against Lindsay Lohan is about to begin. The 24-year-old actress was marched into the Airport Courthouse in Los Angeles a couple of hours ago to answer a charge of stealing a $2,500 necklace.

Well, we say marched. Just how fast can you march someone who is wearing killer heels, skin-tight trousers and a push-up bra that means any kind of jog will lead to a couple of puppies escaping? The answer is 7.3mph. We know this, because we did a test involving a High Street Honey, a Wonderbra and a wind tunnel the year before last.

That was a lie. In fact, most of this article so far has been a lie, which is pretty apt as it revolves around a liar. Or that’s what the prosecution say, anyway. They claim that Lindsay Lohan knowingly half-inched the pricey jewellery. Lindsay, however, claims that the necklace was loaned to her. Who is telling the truth? Justice will decide. Note: that’s justice as in the legal system, rather than some bloke called Justice.

Have you ever been to court, readers? If so, tell us your story. If not, try and avoid it. FHM did jury duty once. The case concerned an assault on the estate round the corner from us and it was one of the most intimidating experiences of our life. Especially when the guy who we had found guilty confronted us in the frozen Polish sausage section of our local Lidl 18 months later. “Us? No, we’ve never even been to court,” we claimed. We were lying, but we lived to fight another day. Will Lindsay? Watch this space.


'On second thoughts, maybe I'll stay in the womb.'