Bottled water is a weird product, we reckon. Everyone knows that water has been around for ages. The water you drink today once trickled down a dinosaur’s sweaty back etc etc. (Do dinosaurs sweat? Let’s say ‘YES THEY DO’.)
But, put it in a plastic bottle with a little label wrapped around it and the UK is happy to spend around £1.4 billion-a-year on the stuff. As a nation we now drink more bottled water than fruit juice, wine or spirits. We drink 1,682,000,000 litres a year, which works out at about 34 litres each.
Hang on. We’re all too poor to pay our rent/mortgage/£10-a-week to mum, yet we’re splurging on something we could get for free by turning on the tap or opening our mouth and tilting our head back when it’s raining. Why?
Because celebrities like Jennifer Aniston tell us to, of course.
We think an Orwellian conspiracy is afoot here. Not content with flogging us perfume, underwear, cars, weird trainers, shampoo and whatever else, the Celebrity Endorsement National Trust (CENT*) is testing our vulnerability to this form of brainwashing by trying to sell us water. “They’ll buy anything if we get someone off the telly to hold it and smile!” they laughed.
Keep your eyes peeled for Kim Kardashian patented air – “It’s the very same air that she might once have breathed, brought to you by the magic of photosynthesis!” and Megan Fox brand pictures of the sky – “She looked at the sky once; it’s like you’re soulmates!”
"I look a bit like I'm naked, but I'm not, 'coz that would damage my public perception as a generally wholesome individual, thus harming my chances of getting the kind of film roles I always get. Also: BUY WATER."
Janiston as she’s now known because she doesn’t have a famous fella to abridge her name with, is the face of Glaceau Smart Water – ‘ the water with all the answers’.
Don’t believe it for a second, dear readers – that water most certainly does not have all the answers. We bought a bottle earlier, just to test that claim, and challenged it to a game of Trivial Pursuit. So far, it hasn’t earnt a single cheese wedge. Idiot water.
*Yeah, we just made that up. At the time, we were planning to pursue it as a line of comedic value, but in the end we got distracted and just left it there, like an abandoned shopping trolley in a murky lake. At least now you know.
This is not a Jennifer Aniston sex tape: