After previously declaring that she’d never be seen in her birthday suit on screen, Jessica Alba obviously decided, that, for the good of mankind, she better just go ahead and do it. Well, this is one form of hypocrisy we’re definitely NOT going to make a stand against. Just thank the Lord she’s had a spiritual conversion to Paganism. The film, a low-budget, arthouse action thriller based on Mexican B-movies, also features Robert De Niro, who was no doubt honoured by the opportunity to star alongside such other luminaries as Steven Seagal and Lindsay Lohan. At least there’d be fun on set. And not much acting competition, either.

The 29-year-old Latino hot-tamale-fire-inducing-shit-we-need-some-guacamole to-cool-it-down mama plays an assassin in the film, directed by Robert Rodriguez, the man who also directed Alba as a stripper in Sin City. It’s good to see that someone is giving her the roles she deserves. In Machete, the femme fatale is featured in a short clip in the shower facing side-on, looking anxious yet resolute about the next nefarious activity which her occupation forces her to undertake. Well, someone’s got to do it Jess. You can’t spend your whole life worrying about it. Just make sure that you spend plenty more time in the shower, or bath, whichever takes your preference really, because killing people is usually quite a messy business and we wouldn’t want to have you getting caught by some complacent nonsense such as forgetting to wash that piece of brain out of your hair. Or any other place where it may conceivably lodge itself.

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