But, if we're being entirely honest with you, we're kind of glad that Jessica Lowndes isn't gay. Not that she's banging down our door, or anything, but it's nice to be in with a chance.

Jessica Lowndes is, of course, famous for two things – being in gosh-isn't-being-pretty-and-rich TV programme 90210, and being on the front cover of our illustrious magazine back in July. Do you remember July? The heat, the wasps, the sunshine, and Jessica's piercing eyes staring down at you from the upper shelves of the magazine rack in Tesco. Maybe she was what lured you into buying the issue.

Jessica Lowndes in I Wish I Was Gay
Or maybe it was that thing we did about pirates, they're both good

But she's back, now and she's singing. Properly. She's got a video and everything, called I Wish I Was Gay – one that you should definitely watch by clicking above – which deals with the difficult topics of infidelity, gender relations, inequality, and burlesque.

We're more in it for the burlesque, really. Although the other things are doubtlessly important. Jessica says that she really wishes that she was into ladies (although she does it whilst lapdancing with a man) because they're nice, and everything, and men are duplicitous bastards who lure her in with promises of love and then rip her heart out by kissing another woman and having your picture taken doing it.

Jessica Lowndes in I Wish I Was Gay
Also, this happens in the video. We're alright with this

We're not like that, Jess. We're lovely. Although please, if we ever do end up being unfaithful for any reason (probably because we're tired of you saying how rubbish all us blokes are) then please, please don't hit us hard in the face with a cane like you did to the man in your video. No-one deserves that.