Julianne Moore has loads of freckles and sort of looks like what Lindsay Lohan might look like when she’s 49 if she starts eating loads of vegetables. Freckles, by the way, are great. They look like they should smell of something or feel like something or taste like something but they just sort of hang out on skin minding their own business completely invisible to all of the senses except sight. Next time someone asks you: “Would you rather be deaf or blind?” you should say: “Deaf, because it sure would suck if I never got to see freckles again.”

So Julianne Moore and her freckles are naked with lion cubs for a campaign for some people called Bulgari which has been banned in Venice because people in Venice hate fun and would much rather just float around on boats and eat big bowls of pasts. To be fair, that sounds amazing. If it was us we’d ask for spaghetti carbonara, but made properly. No milk or cream or any of that bollocks. Just fry some pancetta or bacon in a pan until it’s crispy and put some spaghetti on the boil. When they’re both ready, drain the spaghetti and add the pancetta. Then crack in two eggs and add a whole shit ton of parmesan and stir gently until there’s a thin layer of delicious cheesy sauce thinly spread all over the spaghetti. The problem with England is we don’t make the pasta the star of the dish, instead choosing to drown it in sauce. It’s no good. Italians don’t dig it. They like less sauce and more pasta. It’s better that way. Balanced.