Kate Middleton, being a princess and all, has access to some pretty funky perks. Quite aside from being allowed to nick a forkful of roast swan off the queen’s plate, she gets to go to Canada on behalf of the royal family.

Princess Kate visits Canada

Let’s take a look at what she, and that bloke she married – William or whatever – are up to in the blasted wastes of the Northern provinces. In the picture above, you can see that Kate Middleton is thinking about chips. She loves chips so much that sometimes massive hearts spontaneously appear in the air above her head when she thinks about them.

Princess Kate visits Canada

Now we can see her talking to a native of Canada, or as the experts call them, “Canadians.” This Canadian is dressed in official ceremonial garb which forms part of the country’s main religious pastime known as “hockey.” Hockey, mistakenly perceived by many as some kind of sport, is in fact a series of ritualised fights and shouting matches in honour of the elder Canadian Ice Gods.

Princess Kate visits Canada

Here was can see that Kate has grown tired of watching the hockey ritual and is using her telekinetic powers to steal the ceremonial ball from the field of play. “Hockey ball, to me!” she says, her eyes flash a dazzling rainbow of colours that are not of this earth, and she conjures it into her hand. 

She dismisses the woman in ceremonial dress with a psychic blast, sending the native Canadian sprawling back into the goal and snapping her neck. The Ice Gods are angered. Dark clouds gather on the horizon.

Princess Kate visits Canada

We care not for your petty Ice Gods!” bellows Kate with her husband, the King-to-be, as frenzied spittle falls from her otherwise perfect mouth. Shadows lengthen ominously. “We have bested your finest warriors! We are triumphant! We are ENGLAND!” Taking the ceremonial jerseys of her fallen opponents as trophies, she grins wildly. The crowd applaud in stunned, terrified acquiescence. This is truly a dark day for Canada.