Okay, we might be getting ahead of ourselves here, but maybe we might be a little bit in love with Kate Upton. Take a look at the video above and see if you’re with us on that one.
She’s just – so – wholesome, you know? She has that big smile, and those legs, and everything else going on, and yeah. She looks like she could bake a half-decent apple pie. She’s got that farm girl chic going on. She could probably raise horses and grow sweet potatoes and bake pies and generally live out the American dream.
Kate is so beautiful sometimes flowers blossom spontaneously out of her pants
And she seems fun. She’s always jumping up and down or dancing or going to the fair or taking her clothes off, even when she didn’t have on many clothes to begin with. We like that in a woman.
She’s selling bikinis for a company called Beach Bunny, and frankly, we don’t mind who she sells them for as long as she keeps selling them. It’s almost a crime for her to cover up. It’s like building wind farms or erecting massive billboards in areas of superb natural beauty.
Yeah, we just said that. Kate Upton wearing clothes is a crime.
A serious crime
Well, it should be, anyway. America’s got some daft laws already, so they shouldn’t have any problem from barring Kate from covering up. For example, in Florida – the very state that she grew up in, fact fans – it’s illegal to “imitate animals.” It’s also illegal to “molest an alligator.”*
(Presumably dressing up as an alligator in an attempt to lure one in for sex is doubly wrong, although you were just trying to make it comfortable, clearly)
Kate, we’re a bit in love with you. Please don’t ever stop not wearing clothes. Don’t make us get the police involved.
* They arrest you for molesting an alligator? Jesus! When did that come up? And how did they manage to arrest the sort of motherfucker who molests alligators? Presumably Batman was involved.