Man, Kate Upton’s great, isn’t she? We can scarcely believe that, until March 2 this year, we’d never even heard of Kate Upton. What had we been doing with our time?
WASTING IT NOT LOOKING AT KATE UPTON LIKE COMPLETE TWATS
Thankfully, on that fateful day, we stumbled across five extremely hot pictures she’d posted on Twitter, and immediately fell in love.
Since then, we’ve been there with Kate Upton, every step of the way.
We were there when she got naked for Guess. We were on hand with a cuddly jumper and a warm beverage just in case she got cold, being naked an’ all. She didn’t. So we took our jumper and (by then cold) drink home with us.
We were there when Kate Upton was learning to do the ‘Dougie’. We stood, ever-ready, just in case she pulled a muscle or tripped and fell. She didn’t. We were glad, of course, but we did feel a bit useless.
'The Purple One' was everyone's favourite come Christmas-time
When Kate Upton forgot to wear clothes AGAIN, guess who was there... That’s right, twas us. And guess what went unworn again? Yep, that lovely jumper.
When Kate Upton went to the Tribeca Film Festival, we tried to be all aloof like we hadn’t even noticed she was there, after all the recent rejection, but then we couldn’t help ourselves and bounded over to her like an eager puppy. “Ruff ruff. Hey, Kate, GREAT to see you. Do you want to wear this nice jumper we’ve brought you? Ruff ruff.” She still didn’t want the jumper. We left.
It's a really nice jumper
When Kate Upton bounced around for a full two-minutes forty-seven seconds, we stayed and watched the whole thing. We assumed that's what she would've wanted.
In May, Kate Upton wore some bridal lingerie. Normally, if we came home to find a girl wearing bridal lingerie, we'd be pretty freaked out. Unless we'd just got married to her that day, in which case we'd think it was a prudent and fitting thing for her to be doing. When Kate Upton did it, we had to resist the temptation to ask her to marry us there and then. Then she made a video in the bridal lingerie, and we had to remove our voicebox - it was the only way to stop ourselves blurting out our undying love.
"It was well worth it" we'd say, if we could
Recently, Kate Upton swigged some juice in a bikini. We didn't even offer her the nice jumper because we thought that she'd just reject it again and, even on the off chance she did accept it, she might drip juice on it and we'd become quite attached to it by now.
She also made Monday better, like a kind of sexy nemesis to the awfulness of Made In Chelsea.
And, finally - well, not finally, 'coz we hope beyond hope that she'll keep doing stuff - she appeared in what we described as possibly her sexiest video yet. We've since had to rethink this claim, having re-watched that Beach Bunny one, but it's still pretty flaming good.
And, in case you hadn't noticed, she's been popping up at various points throughout this article, wearing various items of Bare Necessities lingerie.
Confusingly, this has NOTHING to do with the The Jungle Book.