We like to think of ourselves as crusaders here at FHM. When you think of us, we hope the valiant King Arthur springs to mind, but you're probably more likely to be conjuring an image of Gerard Butler in 300. Oh well. We can endure that. Therefore, as leaders of men, we urge you, yes YOU, to aid our poor damsel in distress Keira Knightley, whose central London home has been invaded by a degenerate band of thieves.
Fortunately, Keira was not there when the robbery occurred, but the depraved individuals still ransacked her belongings and stole two laptops, worth around £2,000 in all. We were in a good mood this morning. But news of this has made us furious. So, to the verminous dregs who partook in this act of mindless profligacy, we say this: We will not rest until we have found you. And when we do, you will be hung upside-down with your eyelids superglued to your forehead and forced to watch Domino until you reach a cataleptic, dribbling stupor. Then, and only then, will we hand you over to the relevant authorities.
It's a cowardly, despicable act, burglary. It's actually one of the very few types of immoral behaviour which we condemn. Even by the standards of our wayward moral compasses, it's a very naughty thing. Therefore, when we vociferate that this is a national call to arms, a DEFCON 2 (nuclear war is not quite imminent), we do not think it's an overreaction. This is not a vigilante action instigated by a group of bored journalists. It's a call for a return to human decency. And if blood is spilled, erm, well... tell them it was your idea in the first place.