Keira Knightley stars in a new short film/advert for purveyors of smelly things Chanel. She looks really very good in it. We encourage you to take a look.
Warning: everything past this part of the article is probably made up
This video is not scripted. This is actually a documentary of what the Keira Knightley gets up to on an normal day. It wasn’t even a particularly exciting day, by her standards.
She starts by waking alone in full makeup and having Joss Stone sing It’s a Man’s World from somewhere off-camera. Her and Joss are roommates, see, and rather than have an alarm clock Keira pays Joss to wake her up with some trademark warbling.
Immediately after waking she reaches over and grabs her bottle of Chanel Mademoiselle, which presumably she uses instead of breakfast. A small bird has perched lovingly on her special bird-wire and is admiring her.
She then sets off about her busy day. She changes into a sensible cream jumpsuit and walks out into a motorbike parked in the middle of a square somewhere, presumably Paris because as everyone knows it’s illegal to film perfume ads anywhere other than Paris following the Givenchy vs Stoke-on-Trent case of 1987.
(Joss follows her on a scooter, again, just off-screen whilst continuing to sing. This is because Keira spends all her money on fancy perfume and can’t afford an iPod.)
She meets three identical men on identical motorbikes wearing identical suits. This is the sort of thing that happens to Keira all the time as she was raised by faeries, which also explains her beautiful figure. She drives down pedestrian walkways which are thankfully abandoned. It initially seems odd that they’re abandoned despite the beautiful weather, but when you consider how bad Paris smells when it’s hot it makes more sense.
Keira arrives at a photoshoot where, despite many fancy dresses being trailed around like fashionable jellyfish, she stays in her cream jumpsuit and a handsome man takes pictures of her. This photoshoot was not arranged beforehand. Keira is so beautiful she just turns up to people’s houses and they have to take pictures of her.
It’s clear that her perfume and faerie magics are working wonders upon the man, who almost immediately tells everyone to get out of his room and starts to undress her. This is a complex and drawn-out process as she is wearing an outfit made mostly of zips and skin-tight fabric. He takes some more sexy pictures and makes it pretty clear that he wants to bump uglies with Ms Knightley.
She seems keen, and asks him to lock the door, but when he comes back to get busy she’s disappeared through a suddenly open window and has replaced her jumpsuit. Keira can replace her clothes in such a short space of time because she pre-emptively greases herself with goose fat every morning, which is not shown in the film due to animal welfare concerns.
Leaving the man thoroughly confused, Keira pockets her perfume and speeds off down those abandoned, smelly Paris streets. This is because Joss Stone is about to come to the end of her song, and she has to return home and swap her for Adele who is currently asleep in her spare room.
Also here is a picture of her bum: