Whether participating or observing, we all prefer live action to a two-dimensional screen. Not only are the sensory benefits much more acute, we don't have that added terror of our girlfriend/mum/dog walking in on us whilst attempting to impregnate a sock. Live action has something of the spectacle about it, and though often sordid (think Bangkok), if practised in the appropriate forum, and with the correct individuals involved, the more sophisticated voyeur will be amply satistfied. Cue Keira Knightley, who is set to play a female teacher accused of being a lesbian in a revival of the 1934 play The Children's Hour, due onstage in the West End next year. Scandalous, eh? Well, it was written when homosexuality was still a crime. It is a travesty of justice that it was only with the implementation of the Sexual Offences Act of 1967 that lesbianism was fully embraced.

 Keira Knightly wearing a pearl dress

However, there is one potential spanner in the works, which, as a reliable news service, we feel we must inform you of. Take a deep breath. There is a POSSIBILITY that a certain actress called Rosie O'Donnell may be playing opposite Knightley as her lesbian lover. Now, we're not saying that this would put us off seeing the play entirely, but in all likeliness, it would put us off seeing the play entirely. So let's just hope that this is an unfounded rumour, nastily spread by killjoys who want to put a stop to people going to the theatre to ogle hot actresses whilst making faint grunting noises from the back row.