Do you know what London has been missing all these years? Shops. Lots and lots of shops. It’s a city notoriously devoid of places to buy things. We really struggle down here, it’s like the dark ages. You guys outside of London with your malls and high streets don’t know how lucky you are. Sometimes, in London, you can find yourself in an area that only has four River Islands per square mile. That’s scary stuff that. Practically barbaric.

"Good people of London, I give you....shops"

Luckily, the good folk from Westfield heard our heartfelt pleas to increase the number of chain stores in London to a civilized level and built us a mall. It's kind of exactly like the one they built in West London a few years back that covers four postcodes, except this one’s in East London. See what they did there?

Kelly Brook and Nicole Scherzinger both came down to help open the new mall with all it’s lovely shops. Nicole did some sort of performance art in a leather kimono. Quite what she did we’re not sure (we only saw the pictures) but we guess it was probably an interpretive dance piece called Clothes, An Ode To The Things We Wear To Stop Us Being Naked.

"A lot of my clothes don't stop me being naked, but this definitely does the trick"

What did Kelly do? Well, Kelly, bless her, did some shopping. Although it probably wasn’t really shopping, it was probably posing next to nice things that she then got given for free. For us mere mortals, not paying for things is called stealing. Probably not a good idea to try it out, unless you are Kelly Brook, which we’re 97% sure you’re not.

"For me, this is shopping, for you, it's illegal."