Kelly Brook, professional beautiful lady, was at a party for Bulmer’s yesterday evening. As ever, she looked great. Why not have a look at her?

It’s summer, we’re told on good authority by our official FHM calendar, which means that cider is the order of the day – normally we wouldn’t really consider cracking open a cold bottle of fizzy apple-themed booze, but something about the sunny atmosphere makes it okay. Plus, you’ve got to give the wasps something to drink, too.

Kelly Brook at a Bulmer's cider party
Probably best to warn you that this article is mostly about wasps

Wasps can’t afford booze, you see. Not only are their tiny bodies and insect minds unsuitable for even the simplest of jobs, their naturally aerodynamic shape is spoiled by having to carry a wallet around. Cursed by bad press and a frankly outdated colour scheme, wasps often get quite stressed which explains their propensity to sting everyone and everything within their line of sight.

Unlike football hooligans, wasps aren’t made more angry by the demon liquor – in fact, like a sleepy farmer at the back of a pub with old-timey brass horse decorations on the walls, wasps calm right down after a couple of drinks, and the sweet fruity smell of cider is a natural match for them. 

They have high-pressure jobs, you see – all stinging and murder and scavenging for jam sandwiches in bins and more stinging – so a cold, refreshing mouthful of cider mellows them right out and they get all huggy. One time, a drunk wasp told us that he loved us after a few sips of appley goodness.

Kelly Brook at a Bulmer's cider party
Still talking about wasps, it seems. It's a problem that needs to be addressed though

Aside from wasps, do you know who else loves cider? Kelly Brook. Well. She loves it enough to go along to a Bulmer’s launch party and accept some free nibbles while looking lovely, which is the important thing. Nice.

BONUS CIDER ARTICLE CONTENT: Do you find you’re not drunk enough? Do you want to propel yourself into the evening with both feet? Why not try a refreshing Vagider*, a drink we invented back in our Uni days when we didn’t ever have to get up before noon?

Take a pint glass (preferably clean) and pour a shot of gin and a shot of vodka in the bottom. If the glass wasn’t clean, swill around the spirits to sterilise it. Fill up the rest of the glass with something fizzy and inoffensive, like Strongbow or Bulmers. Drink it, trying not to worry about the taste, and let the special mix of drinks flood your system while they quietly but surely remove the use of your legs.

* A portmanteau of Vodka, Gin, and Cider. Obviously.