We like women who've got something to grab onto. Rubenesque, voluptuous, buxom, lusty wenches are in fact our ideal picture of womanhood. It's a shame, therefore, that in today's society, the pressure to look thin is so great that you get a phenonemon termed the 'law of polar opposites'. The reactionaries move towards the non-conformist pole and become obese, whereas those who cave in to societal pressure mould themselves to the shape deemed 'desirable' by the contemporary society. That actually sounds like a plausible theorem. It's no surprise, considering our third cousin twice removed was the eminent psychologist and Nobel Prize winner Jimmy Saville. Oh, sorry. He's still alive, apparently.

Kelly Brooks at Prince's Trust Rock Gala

Anyway, the purpose of this ludicrous rant is that we've noticed that Kelly Brook seems to be looking less curvier than we're used to. She was at the Prince's Trust Rock Gala 2010 at the Royal Albert Hall last night, and we were slightly dismayed, because our general rule of thumb is the more of Kelly the better. So, we'd like to formally offer our services as her nutritionist. If Gillian McKeith can do it, anyone can. You must, in addition to your present diet, consume an entire Victoria sponge cake and a family size box of chicken drumsticks from KFC. Do this on a daily basis for two weeks, and you'll be back to your old self in no time. Ignore any feelings of lethargy and the rather unpleasant gas and belching. You'll see the benefits in no time.

Though you still look pretty good. Just don't lose any more weight, or we'll be forced to put you in a gingerbread house and feed you ourselves.