We haven’t been reading the Guardian that much lately. Their obsession with global warming doesn’t tally with our rather laissez faire “I’ll stick it in the recycling if it’s not too inconvenient but I’m not going out of my way and I’m definitely not going to stop farting just to reduce my methane footprint” environmental stance.
But we missed a trick on Saturday. For who was in the Guardian Weekend Magazine? Only bloody English rose and heroine of curvaceous women Kelly Brook. “Who better than Kelly Brook to model the latest fabulous 50s fashions?” they said, in what we hope was a deliberate oxymoron.
Things didn't start well, with a clearly annoyed K-Bro wondering why the hell she was being forced to create such a gargantuan shadow in a frumpy Prada dress costing more than a decent horse. No, that's not a typo. We meant 'horse'.
"Oh no, what have I done?" thought Kelly, immediately regretting posing for a publication other than FHM. Nice little bustier - good. Covered in a massive load of knittingness - criminal waste.
Then things improved slightly, Kelly being allowed to sit down and show a bit o' leg - two things she enjoys immensely. That head-tilt screams "maybe this won't be so bad, after all".
Then the Guardian almost got it right, allowing Kelly to flaunt her world-famous cleavage. Unfortunately, they made her deliver a calf beforehand, a two-hand job she clearly didn't enjoy.
Finally, the Guardian wised up and let Kelly do what she does best. It was too little too late, though - that difficult calf-delivery had scarred her. "The things I saw... and the way it felt in my hands as I dragged it out... and the sounds, oh my God the sounds..." is what she was probably thinking.
Doing her best to put her farmhand activities behind her, Kelly slapped on a figure-hugging stripey dress and promptly got her coat. Where was she going? Straight to FHM Towers to apologise for her infidelity and pose for some rather more interesting and sexy shots, we'd wager.
KELLY BROOK WHERE SHE BELONGS, ON FHM.COM:
1/ Kelly Brook naked (bar some Reebok trainers)
2/ Kelly Brook wants a man
OTHER HOT WOMEN ON FHM.COM:
1/ Nadine Coyle's Insatiable video is too sexy for TV
2/ Katy Perry is going to be in The Simpsons
KELLY BROOK, THE WAY WE LOVE HER: