Kim Kardashian's quest for world domination is entering its final phases. She's done a full reconnaissance of Europe, on the pretense that she was there on vacation, and, by pretending to be totally ignorant of the culture, has lulled us all into a false sense of security. Hitler called it 'lebensraum'. Kim calls it 'broadening the mind'. It's a dangerous game, semantics. Now, she's gone and done what every self-respecting celebrity aims towards in their lifetime and made a perfume range. Well, we doubt if she was actually there in the laboratory in her white coat and goggles, laughing maniacally whilst mixing highly dangerous chemicals. But the perfume is called 'Kim Kardashian', after all, so we hope she did have more than a superficial input.

We've got no idea what it smells like, but if it bears any resemblance to Kim's personality, which, apparently, is what these celebrity fragrances are meant to represent, then it may well be entirely odourless. Not that Kim is bereft of character, no. We'd never say that. There's more character in those hongabongas than we can deal with, that's for sure. It's just that we've had a bit of a blocked nose recently, and it's become so bad that we've had difficulty differentiating between the scent of musk and lilac. Which explains why Kim's fragrance may well be odourless. Maybe.


It must get quite tiresome having to look your best the whole time, with those paparazzi midges constantly buzzing around you. It makes us kind of glad that we can sit here in a tracksuit all day and devour chicken drumsticks in a manner that would shock Henry VIII. But then again, we're not busy plotting to invade China. Unfortunate truism of life - people trust other people more if they look good. Shallow, yes. Universally applicable, no. So beware of Kim, especially if she comes bearing anything resembling a banana.