London, eh? Old London town where the streets are paved with gold. Just imagine what you could find there – jellied eels, fish and chips, pie and mash, Kim Kardashian flogging her own brand of perfume – anything. 

It’s Kim Kardashian we’re focusing on today, though, although there’s nothing wrong with jellied eels and all that. Well, actually, they’re disgusting – Christ, of all the things you could jelly (and we didn’t think that jelly was even a proper verb) eels are already slimy and weird. Why not jelly bananas? Or jelly pineapples?

Kim Kardashian flogs her perfume at Debenhams in London
Or jelly custard?

Anyway, Kim Kardashian. Yes. She visited our grey little isle for a whole two days, and this morning she appeared in London to flog her new perfume called, um, Kim Kardashian. That’s a bit unimaginative, Kim. At least Beyonce comes up with heat-based names for hers. No points for effort there.

People were apparently very keen to see her, queuing up from 2am just to be in with a chance of being in the same room as her. Impressive stuff. Of course, when you work for FHM, meeting beautiful women is all part of the job so we weren’t there, of course. And if you see us in any of the pictures, that’s not us. That’s our evil twin Hector.

Kim Kardashian flogs her perfume at Debenhams in London
He wears a moustache and a top hat. That's how you can tell it's him

So what does this eponymous perfume smell of? A quick shufti at the scent notes says that it “captures the many sides of Kim’s personality and glamorous style.” It does this by combining lots of different flower smells, sandalwood, something called a “tonka bean” (snerk) and “sexy musk.”

Do you know what musk is? It’s a synthetic copy of a fluid excreted by male deer from a gland near their anus. Kim Kardashian smells like a deer’s arse. You heard it here first.