A woman called Kylie Minogue appeared on a show called X Factor last night. We hadn't previously heard of either the individual or the programme, having only emerged early this morning from our Buddhist retreat in the Nepalese mountains after seventeen years of transcendental meditation. We are told that since our journey to enlightenment, mice have mutated to such an extent that they are now responsible for law and order, and a merger between two parties of ideological opposites has taken place and formed a new government. We think they were having us on with that last one.

Performing her new single 'Better Than Today' in the company of two pac men, she was evidently unafraid of showing off her leggy assets, accentuated by a pair of those most coveted of fashion symbols, a pair of Christian Louboutin heels. X Factor judge and younger sister Dannii was watching the performance from behind the judging panel, and managed to maintain a fixed grin throughout. But the eyes said it all, we're afraid. She wanted those shoes. 

Kylie Minogue in red on X factor

Kylie did her best to remain professional while a drag queen paraded in the background, periodically flaunting her behind to the audience to show that hers was more pert and bouncy than the beloved Kylie's. Well, if we may take the role of independent adjudicator, we would probably give it to her due to the comparatively lesser effects of gravity on hers. However, as an overall package, and in terms of body-posterior ratio, Kylie wins hands down.

Kylie Minogue in red on X Factor

So, there you have it. We're glad we rejected a life of asceticism in favour of analyzing the merits of women's behinds. It only took us nearly two decades of abstinence to realize that was our ultimate calling in life.