We’re glad to see that Linsday Lohan looks as good as she does, striding defiantly into court yesterday after being accused of stealing a £1,500 necklace – because now women’s prisons can move past their Cell Block H phase and into the realms of what we all secretly hope them to be.
We’ve done extensive research on the subject, you know. According to a pay-per-view feature we watched in a hotel suite in Berlin, women’s prisons are hotbeds of sexuality. They’re ready to spill over into rampant bouts of Sapphic love at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop of some soap, presumably.
And as natural looking as the dungareed inmates of Cell Block H were, we’re not entirely sure that we want to watch them devolve into sudsy passions and unleash their forbidden lusts in the shower room. They’re powerful, robust women more suited to illustrating the plight of the incarcerated in the early 80’s than gently undressing each other with faltering, nervous hands and secret longings held back behind bitten lips.
We wouldn't want to see them dressed up like this either, to be honest
Plus they beat each other up a lot, and we’re not down with that. It wasn’t even in a sexy catfight way. It was like they were actively trying to hurt each other.
So while we wish Li-Lo the best in clearing her good name, if she were to be imprisoned we wouldn’t be entirely sad to lose her from the public view for the six months she’s been offered in exchange for pleading guilty. Or, to be honest, the longer sentence she’d face for claiming that she’s innocent and it working out very well.
Someone could film a reality TV show around her imprisonment. Her sexy, sexy imprisonment. She’d be up for it, surely? It seems like she needs the cash if she’s resorted to (alleged) shoplifting. They could imprison some other gorgeous starlets, call it INSIDE: Linsday Lohan and Friends and we could watch it with the sound down after our girlfriends have gone to bed.