Scarlett Johansson, in between selling us champagne and generally being gorgeous, recently got divorced from Ryan Reynolds. It was like a miniature holiday, really. She was back on the market and there was the outside chance that now, considering we wouldn’t have to compete against Reynolds, she might well begin to return our calls.

Alas. It’s just not to be. Scarlett’s been seen “making out” with Sean Penn. For those of you who don’t know Sean Penn, he’s a 50-year-old actor who’s been in such films as I Am Sam, Mystic River, All The King’s Men, and Milk. He’s apparently rather good at his job. He went with with Madonna for a while back in the day, which is no mean feat.


Goddamnit Penn, you lucky son of a bitch

Scarlett, though, as you’re all probably well aware, isn’t 50 years old. Scarlett is 26. There’s clearly been some sort of mistake. Scarlett’s been associated with Antonio Banderas in the past, so she’s used to getting it on with older men, but really. Gosh. Come on. That’s hardly fair.

One of the few advantages we have over Mr Penn is that we’re younger than he is. That’s just a fact. We’re always going to be younger than him, unless he discovers that eating nothing but Loréal Revitalift four times a day actually makes you physically younger.

So when you’re tired of driving Sean to the shops, feeding him thin soup, making sure that he’s warm enough and tightening up the joints on his zimmerframe, maybe you’d consider going for someone a little younger. Maybe a nice young journalist for a men’s mag. Who knows? Call us.