Ahh, dearest Lucy Pinder. You’ve always been there. You’ve never let us down. Not like some of those other girls, who’ve gone through phases of being batshit mental and not hot. You’re like the Harlem Globetrotters of women. Actually, scratch that, you’re better than the Harlem Globetrotters – they’ve got a win percentage of 98.4%. You’ve got a being bloody great and lovely percentage of 100%.

And now, as if you haven’t already done enough, you’re here to teach us how to attract women.


Dear God woman do you ever rest?

If our mind could speak, and you chose to listen, here’s what you'd hear during the video:

0 secs: Hmm, whose feet are those?

3 seconds: Ah, it’s only megababe Lucy Pinder! Hey Lucy!

6 seconds: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Who’s this dick?

12 seconds: That’s never gonna work, pal.

15 seconds: No you’re not.

18 seconds: Oh, right, it was a joke. 'LOL'.

19 seconds: Lucy Pinder’s lips didn’t really like that joke, mate.

28 seconds: Was that meant to be a funny again? It’s hard to keep up.

32 seconds: Oh look, they’ve got Lucy Pinder in her underwear to save the video from descending into shitness. Top notch directing, that.

34 seconds: God she looks good. This might be the best video we’ve ever seen.

35 seconds: No, L-Pinds! Don’t wave goodbye! Stay! Please?

38 seconds: She just looks so thoughtful. Wonder what she’s thinking about… how to prevent that bloke from telling her any more pony jokes, probably.

53 seconds: WAIT WAIT WAIT. Hold on a cotton-picking minute. “Prematurely perspirate”? Is that a thing? ‘Perspirate’ isn’t even a word. Even if you meant ‘perspire’, how can someone perspire prematurely? When would be the right time to perspire? This makes no sense at all.

1 minute 18 seconds: We give up.

1 minute 24 seconds: That’s not gonna work.

1 minute 27 seconds: As if.

1 minute 37 seconds: She didn’t REALLY say yes, though, pal. Just wait, as soon as the camera’s off it’ll be “right, great, let’s go for that drink then, shall we Luce? Luce? Lucy? Where are you? Oh, is that her car speeding away? Well this is awkward”.

1 minute 45 seconds: We still see an awkward nobody.

1 minute 52 seconds: God you’re an angel.