If you take a really hot porn film and get Danny Boyle to direct it, you get something that’s good to look at and actually really good.

The same principle applies to leggy blonde tennis players. Kind of. Thus, Maria Sharapova is to Anna Kournikova as 127 Hours (Of Wanton Depravity) directed by Danny Boyle is to porn films. Or something.

Y’see, although Anna Kournikova was always our favourite tennis player (apart from that old dude with the moustache that does all the trick shots and fake underarm serves – he’s AMAZING), Maria Sharapova actually delivers the goods in terms of sporting prowess as well as looking nice.

Which is probably why she's still one of the world's best tennis players whereas Anna Kournikova hasn't picked up a racket in anger for seven years.

Now Nike has done the honourable thing and given M-Shar a lovely new dress to wear for the forthcoming Australian Open. 


"Fucking split ends..."

There she is, the lovely 150-foot giant, showing it off in Melbourne yesterday. 

Wait...

What?

Look at the size of her. We always knew she was tall, but now she's bloody massive. She's twice the size of those skyscrapers in the background. Surely that's going to give her something of an unfair advantage at the Australian Open? That'd be like an adult rhinoceros having a fight with an infant worm. Or David 'Hayemaker' Haye having a fight with Audley 'pacifist' Harrison. 

Also, as a friendly giant in Australia, shouldn't Maria be putting her gargantuan proportions to good use saving people from floods? Imagine, you're marooned on top of your house, praying to be rescued before the floodwaters take hold of you, when Maria Sharapova picks you up with two fingers and pops you in her bra for safekeeping. You just never know when your day's going to get better.


"You're saved!"