Forgive us, Father, for we have sinned.

We’ve told a lie. A mistruth. We've created a canard. We’ve taken honesty, stuffed it in a big brown bag, tied a knot at the top, attached some bricks and thrown it into the reservoir.

We don’t actually know whether Marisa Miller won the Celebrity Beach Bowl. If we’re honest, the sporting outcome of that particular contest ranks on our scale of interest somewhere between Jeremy Clarkson’s grooming routine and whether Jaffa Cakes are cakes or biscuits.

Good for: riding a motorbike; being sexy. Bad for: doing super bowling

We actually watched a bit of the real Super Bowl on Sunday night. Not the whole thing, of course - they put it on far too late. Just the first bit that was on pretty much straight after Match of the Day 2. Naturally, we didn’t fully understand the rules, but one thing we noticed was that they have a completely different line-up depending on whether they’re attacking or defending. It’s like having 11 Lionel Messi’s one minute and 11 John Terry’s the next. (Which, incidentally, will probably be a News of the World headline sometime in the next 12 months, featuring the words 'romp, 'hotel' and 'kinky'.)

What’s all this got to do with Marisa Miller, you ask. Well, you impatient little devils, this is what:

Marisa Miller is versatile. She can attack and defend. She can be Lionel Messi AND John Terry. John Messi, if you will. She can do glammed-up hotness one minute, and be in her P.E. kit potting an 80-yard touch it down thing the next.

Miller's Heather Mills impression was uncanny

So, in our eyes, Marisa Miller won the Celebrity Beach Bowl. In fact, she pretty much won the Super Bowl. Y’know what, she’s basically won every bowl there’s ever been. Apart from our favourite cereal bowl, the big green one, we need that – it’s the only one that accommodates six Weetabix and two bananas.

Get your own cereal bowl, Marisa Miller, you sexy sport-loving bowl-stealing goddess, you.