We’re starting to get a bit worried about Megan Fox. We remember when we were growing up, one of our friends started to become distant. He moped around the place, never smiling, and when he did turn up to social events he’d just stand around looking bored, waiting until it was all over. On his eighteenth birthday, his brother rang us with the terrible news.

He was a goth.

Just let that sink in for a second. A goth.

He’d been hiding it up until then, wearing makeup in his room and going out to clubs when he was pretending to be ill at home. Of course, we couldn’t talk to him afterwards, because he was a goth. We couldn’t understand what he was saying through the sardonic mumbling.

Poor guy. He DJs now, we think. We’re worried that Megan Fox is going to turn out the same way. Just look at these pictures of her taken for a new Armani photoshoot – she’s sitting around in her pants.

We were down after a particularly bad breakup about eight months ago, and that’s all we did for a straight week. We ate more wotsits than she’s shown to be eating, though. Maybe they’re just out of shot.

But where's the orange dust? Maybe they gave her a flannel or something

And it’s not a new development at all. We’ve seen her moodily poking around Jaguars, too. In fact, it’s hard to think of a time she’s cracked a smile in the last year. Megan, why not come over on Thursday night? We’re having stew and watching a DVD. It’ll do you good to get some proper food in you, and it’d be nice to reconnect.

Until then, take care of yourself, love. We’re thinking of you.