Megan Fox and her husband Brian Austin Green went to the Big Cat Encounters Ranch in Nevada and played with an adult tiger and gave milk to a baby tiger. Played with an adult tiger. Played with an adult tiger. Played with an adult tiger.

That’s not a thing, is it? That doesn’t happen, does it? Tigers don’t just say to themselves “oh hi human who would taste delicious if I ate you which I totally could because I’m massive and dangerous and love ripping flesh apart and snapping bones with my teeth, how are you?” and then just sit there and let you play with them. They just do not. And if they do, that’s not fine.

Tigers bloody well should eat humans. It’s what they’re made for. They are wild jungle beasts who love the taste of blood and raw meat. They are mighty predators built to kill. Training a tiger not to kill humans is like telling a dog not to bark or like telling a drunk fat man not to snore or like telling Bono not to be SUCH A DICK. It just cannot be. It is not the way of things.

Poor tiger. Poor bloody tiger. Couldn’t even eat lovely Megan Fox. Imagine what Megan Fox tastes like. Her flesh and blood and that, to a tiger. We wonder if she tastes better than normal humans because she’s pretty or worse because she’s skinny. Perhaps that’s why the tiger didn’t eat her. Took one look at her tiny waist and slim rump and thought “you know what, there’s more meat on a chicken”. Either that or Megan Fox is magic.