You remember Michelle Baker: she’s the American model who first appeared on our radar last year when she was frolicking around in an aeroplane barely wearing a flight suit. Then, like an auntie we don’t see very often (but more lingerie-y and less moustache-y), she popped up out of the blue to say Happy Christmas.
Well now she’s back. She’s got some sexy new snaps from a lingerie catalogue, and she’s ready to give you some handy tips on what you’ll need to do to make her happy (if you ever get the chance).
"Hi, yeah, I've just moved in next door"
"Have good manners – be chivalrous and charming"
We think that means saying nice things to her, not letting doors hit her in the face, not playing the new Beastie Boys album at full volume when she’s asleep – all that old fashioned ‘romance’ stuff.
Either she's really tall or that chandelier's a bit low
"A good sense of humour – life is too short to be serious all the time"
What’s the difference between a short-sighted archer and a constipated owl?
One shoots, but can’t hit…
"And he STILL hasn't scored for Chelsea?"
"Be adventurous – I love to try anything challenging or anything that I haven’t done before"
This may or may not include eating a cheesecake while upside-down.
Michelle really loves Weetabix
"Listen during a conversation instead of talking about yourself the entire time"
At least we think that’s what she said, to be honest our interest in the advice paled in comparison next to the enthralling anecdote we were telling about the dolphin, the unicycle with a puncture and former Manchester United right back Paul Parker.
Nah, it's probably not a banana. Don't half look like one, though...
"Be honest at all times"
A friend of ours once couldn’t be bothered to send his nan a birthday card so he just rang her up and blamed the postal service. True story.
Guess we could come in for a quick coffee
"And lastly, I love English accents – I think they’re sexy!"
”What’s that you say, my dear? Tarquin’s coming for afternoon tea? How absolutely spiffing. What’s say after that we fire up the Range, head out across the land and do a spot of fox-cuddling? I say, what a delightful day it is here in Staines."