We are pleased to announce that Mila Kunis has split from teeny tiny child star Macaulay Culkin and she is back on le marché. What we reckon happened is Kunis and Portman were unable to extinguish the fire that burned between them in Black Swan and couldn’t resist the temptation to fill their lesbian biker boots with terrifically choreographed hot girl on girl action. Kunis and Portman, Kunis and Portman… they even sound incredible together.

Or maybe they broke up because naughty Culkin kept setting traps for her around the house. She got a little bit jealous when he made friends with the weird local pigeon lady nutter, but it was the final straw when he set her hat on fire and she had to stick her head down the toilet.

She's clearly had enough of clowning around

It’s not right for somebody who is as intensely smoking as Angelina Jolie taking sexy pills and as cute as otters holding hands to be in a relationship anyway. She should be out there exploring her bisexual side not running around New York chasing incompetent burglars with a child. That’s because in our heads McCauley Culkin is never allowed to be more than 10 years old.

While Culkin is now nestled back in the bosom of his massive family where everything is warm and fuzzy and always Christmas, poor old Mila is Home Alone. We should go round there. We’ll do anything she likes. Borrow an eyeliner and a pair of peach coloured tights and act out any fantasy she wants. We’ll keep practising our pirouettes. Just say the word Mila.