Minka Kelly – actress, model, Twitter user, daughter of Aerosmith guitarist, Most Beautiful Woman In The World, and generally all-round badass – was at a launch for some sort of Gatorade product last night. We felt you might like to see the pictures of her doing so.
Gatorade is an American sports drink. It’s like Lucosade, but for alligators, so it comes in special bottles that they can open with their stubby forearms and then drink using their enormous deadly mouths. The nozzles are shaped like the flank of a tasty deer and made out of steel.
That or high-density rubber for their alligator babies
Over here in the UK, of course, we don’t have any alligators since Bernard Manning hunted them to extinction in 1976, so it comes in the regular human bottles.
Alligators often drink Gatorade to refresh themselves before leaping out of a river to messily devour a whole animal, while they’re swimming silently underwater to track prey, or when doing a pole jump. Alligators are not very good at the pole jump so they need all the help they can get.
If you want to stop an alligator from attacking you, simply wrap an elastic band around its muzzle and it’ll be unable to open it. This is because even though the muscles that close the jaw can give equivalent force to dropping a car on the victim, the muscles that open it are rubbish. This is actually true unlike everything else in this article up until now.
Everything you have been told is a lie
Aside from the bits about Minka Kelly, obviously.
Quite how you get that elastic band around the alligator’s face is another matter, however, and presuming you’re the sort of mean son of a bitch that could pull off such a feat, you’re probably not fussed about keeping its mouth shut with anything but your big meaty Floridian hands.