The Pride of Britain Awards. The one night of the year where jingoism is embraced instead of derided. A night where we can sing the national anthem with unrelenting fervour and not be denounced as a BNP member. And a night where modern, real-life heroes congregate to be congratulated by celebrities whose biggest challenge in life was overcoming a scuffle with a paparazzo and escaping with three nails partially broken. Hey, it took a month for them to grow back, alright?

Girls Aloud at Pride of Britain Awards

Right. We think a head count is in order. So far, we've got Cheryl Cole, Nicola Roberts, Kimberley Walsh and Sarah Harding. Now, don't tell us, but we think somebody's missing. Is it Gwen Stefani? No, it can't be. Wrong image. What about Rachel Stevens? What? She doesn't sing anymore? Well, that's a shame. Alright, we give up.

Nadine Coyle NOT at Pride of Britain Awards

Oh, it's Nadine Coyle. How could we possibly forget? Well, things haven't been going that swimmingly recently, if rumours are to be believed. Which they almost always are. After her bid to launch a solo career went a bit awry this weekend with her new single 'Insatiable' entering at No.26 in the charts, it's understandable that Nadine perhaps needs some space to review the situation. So she's taken herself off to her native isle instead for some homely Irish stew. And an album signing.

Girls Aloud at Pride of Britain Awards

There is something rather tragic about seeing such disunity amongst a group of such lovely ladies. So here's our attempt to forge a reconciliation. Girls, you're all beautiful (unequivocally), talented (mostly), and experts in quantum theory (none). So what is there to argue about? Settle your trivial differences for us. After all, you are the true embodiment of the 21st century British heroine. With Tracey Emin coming a close second. Don't let the Girl Power phenomenon slide back to the dark ages. You, as modern-day suffragettes, have a duty to womanhood. So kiss each other passionately and make up. But make sure we're there to see that you're doing it properly.