It wasn't long ago that to be a 'four-eyes' would consign you to a life of perpetual misery. Ritual humiliation, beatings, and wedgies were the least of your worries in the knowledge that you had to live your life as an outsider, forever observing the world through a greasy perspex lens. Then came along contact lenses, which proved to be a brilliant, equalizing measure. Your disability could be hidden by an ingenious film placed over the eyes, though if you forgot to take them out overnight the doctors may have had to amputate both eyeballs. As ever, there were positives and negatives.
Now, in a subverted, ironic form of poetic justice, it's the non-visually impaired who are lambasted. Walk down any pseudo-fashionable high street and you'll see them there, wearing thick, black frames with clear lenses, looking so self-satisfied in the belief that they're duping us into thinking they are true eyeglass wearers. But we know the truth, and as you chuckle to yourself, deriding those who haven't caught up with the latest trend, do not think that you escape our razor-sharp satiric eye, as we respond with the 'wanker' hand gesture. Touche, mon ami.
Anyhow, Myleene Klass, who is a REAL glasses wearer, won Celebrity Spectacle Wearer of the Year award in a ceremony at the V&A museum in London. As you've probably noticed by now, Kelly Brook was also there, presenting the award, but we shall mention her no further in this article for two reasons. Firstly, you see enough of her anyway. Secondly, she is one of the aforementioned non-visually impaired people who we've just railed against. So, for purposes of constancy, and much though it may pain us, we are forced to herein implement a Kelly Brook boycott. We'll be out of work in a week, but it's the principle that's important.