The IFP's 20th Annual Gotham Independent Film Awards took place in New York last night. As you can imagine, there were many glamorous and important people present, but none more so than Natalie Portman. The rationale behind the awards is to recognise the accomplishments of non-mainstream moviemaking - a very laudable pursuit, if you ask us.

So, there's no point listing off all the winners to you, as there's every likelihood that you'll have heard of none of them. And we don't like wasting words on these hallowed pages. To do so would be a profanation only salvageable by fervent prayer, including at least ten "Hail Marys".

Natalie Portman unfortunately didn't win any awards. But this wasn't the Oscars, so who cares?

Natalie's career has taken a turn for the arthouse in recent years. Considering that her early ventures in Mars Attacks! and the Star Wars franchises could have consigned her to a life in Hollywood limbo (Katherine Heigl, take heed), she's done pretty well to move away from big money films in favour of smaller scale ones, and taking a number of interesting parts. Not only does it show great courage at delving into unsafe territory, it also speaks of a professional integrity rarely seen anymore.

Nat, you're true class, you are. Though could you do us a favour? We're currently writing the sequel to Mars Attacks! It's called Before Neptune Anihilates. We've got a part that would suit you down to the ground. What do you say? We can't pay you, but the transaction will be negotiable by either the transfer of rare animals or military paraphernalia. You can take your pick.

Natalie with her newly-acquired halo. Ordination subject to approval. Terms and conditions apply