And the Oscar for most regular and efficient sleep pattern goes to…FHM! We breathe a sigh of relief, have a bit of toast and accept our imaginary Oscar, which is actually a pint of milk we doodled on.

Okay, so we didn’t watch the Oscars last night, but we got out 8 hours sleep and feel great today. Got to start the day right, you know? Already had two of our five a day…there should really be an Oscar category for that. Best diet. It would be us, obviously.

So although we didn’t watch the Oscars we still know everything that happened because everyone’s reported on it already, which makes our job so much easier. Basically, the films wot were well good dun good and the films wot were lame didn’t get non awards. You follow?

Best Actress went to Natalie Portman, who was wearing a sort of blackcurrant fruit-pastille style dress that made us go and buy some fruit pastilles for breakfast (taking us to 3/5 a day. I think.)

Natalie Portman at the oscars in a purple dress
Minion wasn't allowed to make eye contact with 'Ms Portman'

She was in Black Swan, and if you haven’t seen it, Natalie Portman is a ballet dancer who goes completely nuts and fantasises about a sexual encounter with Lily, played by Mila Kunis. But it turns out she imagined it all, because that’s what drugs do to you, kids.

So a much preggers Natalie Portman picked up the award and basically thanked her family for being really nice and stuff. We were thinking about our winning speech, and we’d have to mention our dog. Black Labrador, if you were wondering.


Natalie only had enough fake tan for one half-arm