If you're without a special someone to share February 14th with, then listen up. Don't bother with Jen from Accounts – she's a little bit interested in you, but it'll go wrong and you'll end up avoiding each other for the next two years until one of you gets another job – aim high, instead. Really high. Like, celebrity high. Pick any one of these beautiful ladies and follow our advice, and you might just be in with a shot.

Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole Valentine's Day Special
Love the expression of the guy on the left, he's so incredulous

Cheryl Cole is, we're assured, single – and seeing as it's not due to a lack of male attention (obviously) it must be a general lack of interest in a relationship. So you'll have to spark that interest again with a grand gesture, and a sense of intrigue.

Wear a false moustache (or a real moustache, if you can grow one), acquire a facial scar that makes you look devilishly handsome and not just all gross and scarred, and carry a revolver. If you can arrange it, save Cheryl from pirates in a life-or-death situation, defuse a bomb at the last second, or stop your car next to her as she's being chased down the street, throw open the door, and shout “Get in!” in a stern but exciting voice.

Millie Mackintosh

Millie Mackintosh Valentine's Day Special
What was that flavour? Can't help but think Walkers did it backwards, we don't want to buy mystery crisps

The Made in Chelsea star has said that, after her relationship with posho PR Exec Hugo went sour on the show, she's not interested in dating another bloke from Chelsea. Which is great news, for most of us - many of the world's men do not in fact live there - but if you're currently residing in Chelsea, well, we're sorry. Can't help you on that front. Maybe you could move and lose the high-falutin' accent?

Katherine Jenkins

Katherine Jenkins Valentine's Day Special
Katherine is so glamorous her dandruff is actually diamonds

This beautiful opera singer will of course appreciate a fine singing voice, so get practising – you've not got long until the big day. If you're not already a world-class singer then get a really good sound system, hide it in your coat, and spend the weekend rehearsing a lip-sync routine instead. We recommend something romantic like Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You, but seeing as you probably don't look a lot like Whitney Houston, that probably causes more problems than it solves.

Caroline Flack

Caroline Flack Valentine's Day Special
Caroline Flack amuses herself by standing in front of people trying to take pictures

 Caroline took a lot of flak (geddit) over her recent relationship with tiny boy-child Harry Styles from One Direction, who's basically twelve, so as we see it you've got two options. One is to appeal to her passion for younger men – so shave, fully, pop on a pair of short trousers, carry around a chemistry textbook and complain loudly about how rubbish your maths teacher is – or, alternatively, show her what she's been missing and go Old. Like, Shaun Connery old. Admittedly, you're not Shaun Connery, but with one of these masks and an accent, you could be.

Alexa Chung

Alexa Chung Valentine's Day
FUN FACT: Alexa's dress is paid by highly-paid artisan spiders

Following her split with Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys last year, Alexa's been single for a while now and must be looking for love, and you're just the guy to provide it. Seeing as she seems to like frontmen of famous bands, your best bet is to become the lead singer of some massively influential band – You Me At Six are pretty good, you could try them – by taking on the current lead singer in single combat.

If you win, you become the new lead singer. That's the law, and it's the reason why Mick Jagger always carries a switchblade in case someone has a go. Once you've put out your first album (and work quickly, mind, you've only got three and half days left) then sling on your most fashionable pair of chinos and swagger past her, whistling the first single off it. Putty in your hands, we swear.


- Pippa Middleton, who's nice and everything, but every picture of her since the wedding is just her in a nice coat and sunglasses, walking somewhere around London looking a) busy and b) unhappy to be photographed, so whatever really

- Zooey Deschanel, who's not British but man is she pretty 

-  And finally Emilia Fox off Silent Witness and that, who's a) British, b) single and c) looking good in some recent photographs taken of her but you can't have her, all right, she's ours. We think we might have a bit of a crush on her