Yesterday, citizens of New York gathered around prominent film star Olivia Wilde as she proudly displayed her latest discovery – a giant star.
Olivia claims to have “just found it in her attic one day” but that's clearly a lie – even with an attic as doubtlessly huge as hers would be, there's no room for such an object up there. How would you get it up the ladder and through the tiny trap door? It just doesn't make sense.
Unless they built the house around it. But that makes even less sense
Far more likely (but far less likely to be admitted by the glamorous star of In Time and Cowboys and Aliens) is that it's connected to her recent archaeological trip to the Antarctic. Whilst Wilde has never officially visited the continent (at least, not according to US records) investigation into the popular programme Frozen Planet shows that she was responsible for much of the show's funding.
Also, if you look closely, she can be seen in one of the Behind The Scenes sections at the end of the episodes, furiously shouting at a local guide near some penguins and waving an ancient-looking map in his terrified face. 'The wise man said it would be here,' she yells, 'don't let me down again. I've killed better men than you for less.'
Then she threatened him with an obsidian ceremonial dagger and the shot quickly cut to a seal falling over
We can guess that her trip was a success, as this massive star – perhaps fallen to earth when the world was young and possessing powers beyond our wildest nightmares – shows. In a King Kong-esque move, Wilde unveiled the star in New York to crowds of astonished onlookers who took pictures and struggled to get their minds around the arrival of the object.
The star is set to be placed on top of the Rockerfeller Christmas tree and lit on November 30. Whatever dark plans Wilde has set in motion by this ritual can't be ascertained as of yet, but we have to ask – while our celebrities are scouring lost civilisations for unholy treasures, can anyone really have a Happy Christmas?