Miniature panda-esque songstress Pixie Lott did some of her trademark singing for those high-falutin royal types last night as part of the Royal Variety Performance.

Don't the royals get enough perks as it is without Pixie getting dolled up and performing for them? In between the crowns, the horses, the big horses and the endless helicopter rides (we'd be happy with just ONE of those things – other than horses, though, those things are terrifying), our God-ordained rulers seem to be having a pretty sweet time of it already, seeing as their jobs consist of a) shaking hands and b) nodding whilst pretending to care about things. 

Pixie Lott at the Royal Variety Show
Many emus died to bring you this outfit

Having our finest comedians and sexiest pop stars sing, dance and generally cavort around in front of them seems almost jesterish, and we were of the impression we'd got out of that stage of our relationship with the monarchy and are now just keeping them around as a source of gossip column inches and an excuse for a day off work when they get married. But no. Apparently not.

Pixie Lott at the Royal Variety Show
For those of you not interested in the anti-monarchy tirade, here's lovely Pixie Lott

We can't help but feel that the royal family are a little bit like a jumper with a hole in it – you're fully aware that something's wrong with it, and it's less useful than a proper, whole jumper, but it'd be a bit of a bother to go out and buy a new one1 so you just make do with the one you've got and somehow convince yourself that antiquity and tradition is better than modernity and efficiency even if it means you've got a bloody great hole in your jumper.2

And to any Royalists who might ask what we'd do with Buckingham Palace if we brought down the monarchy, we've got one word for you – Paintball. Awesome. Done.

1 One shaped like a republic maybe 
2 Basically we are upset that we have to give any money whatsoever to the Queen because we can't afford to buy new shoes and she lives in a giant house made out of gold