Yesterday, Rachel Bilson turned 30 years old. Her and boyfriend Hayden Christensen jetted off somewhere warm to celebrate, as you can see in the various pictures of her in bikinis liberally scattered around this article.
Like this one! The rest of the article is just us badmouthing that Jumper film
Jumper was on TV last night, on account of it being Easter. Did any of you see it? Both Christensen and Bilson are in it – in fact, they met whilst filming – and, really, we can’t think of many worse films released over the last few years.
Christensen, for example, is a man who managed to make Darth Vader look unscary. That’s a pretty hard thing to do. He smirks like he knows something we don’t, except we know that he barely knows anything at all. Rumour has it he needs an assistant to tie his shoelaces for him.
Writing "L" and "R" on them only served to confuse him further
We guess it says “actor” on his tax returns, but that’s about the only regard in which he officially qualifies for the title – and he’s the lead in Jumper, for some inexplicable reason, while that perfectly acceptable lad who played Billy Elliot gets sidelined to wacky, unpredictable sidekick status.
Rachel Bilson is only in it to give our “hero” (and the title doesn’t rest easy on Christensen’s smarmy head) a reason to care about anything at all. They don’t ask much of her, like give her a decent character or anything difficult like that.
She's just a reason for Christensen to get into fights
And Samuel L Jackson. Goddamnit, Samuel, we trusted you. Sure, you’ve turned out some shite in your time, but nothing like this. Wandering around with bright white hair, fighting a secret war against teleporting enemies that’s been going on for centuries but must have started off fairly slowly because the only way you stop them is by using electricity.
Plus at one point he says “I hate jumpers!” and any credibility the film might have had just flushes then and there as it sounds like he’s got something against knitwear.
"I was always more of a cardigan man myself," he said, sheathing his sword
Anyway, look, this is getting us nowhere. We’re really sorry. We hope you enjoyed the pictures of Rachel Bilson. We didn’t want to upset anyone.
You can see more pictures of Rachel in bikinis at The Superficial, if you so desire.