Listen, Rachel Stevens. Don’t you go thinking you can just bowl in here looking all queeny and everything will be ok.

Where the hell’ve you been? We haven’t seen you for aaaaaaages.

Last time you piped up, we were still sporting those big sideburns and thinking England were going to win Euro ’96.

Ok, that’s not strictly true. That was us employing a bit of the art of exaggeration. Indulging in a spot of hyperbole. Making a mountain out of some spilt milk. Crying on a mole’s shoulder. All that hoopla.

But the point is a pertinent one: you just upped and left, deserting us like an unloved sandwich. Left to rot on the plate of abandonment, our little sides turning up like stale crusts of devastation. Sad-face-emoticon.

"I made a baby"

Oh, you were having a baby, were you? Right. That’s alright, then. That’s a valid excuse. And, to be honest, we’re glad you went away and did all that human-growing business without us. There’s only so many times we can have Spam Bolognese for dinner and accompany it with mustard pudding. Good on you. Thanks for being considerate of our feelings. So many pregnant women are wholly inconsiderate.

And we’re glad to have you back. Oh yes we are. Having you back in our lives is like finding your old NES at the back of a cupboard. All those joyous memories. All those hours wasted pummelling away at ‘A’ and ‘B’ in futile pursuit of a pixelated gold medal on Daley Thompson’s.

Except, when you have a play with your old NES, you realise it’s shit. Whereas you’re still really rather nice.

Rachel Stevens is better than NES. You heard it here first.

Rachel Stevens is back to host the Orange Wednesdays red carpet, and announced it by emulating Natalie Portman’s Black Swan look. Neither of them look anything like a swan. Swans look like this:

"Hey. Yeah. I'm a swan. You?"

Black swans look like this:

"Yeah, just being a black swan. Just swanning around, really."

So we've established that neither Rachel Stevens nor Natalie Portman look like swans. They both look a bit more like a wicked queen than a swan.

Imagine if Rachel Stevens was the queen. Not you, Prince Phillip. You stop imagining it. RIGHT. NOW. You randy old bugger.