Normally, if we’re chatting about a new movie release, we try and squeeze the title in the headline. However, Reese Witherspoon’s new movie is called Water for Elephants, which is a name both too silly and too long for headlines. Although it’s not quite as bad as Russell Crowe’s explor-a-thon Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.
A few years ago, at a Christmas party, we were given Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World as a charade to act out. It took us over ten minutes. They didn’t even bother timing us. They just watched and laughed as we flailed about. By the end of it all, we were crying.
Fun fact: Reese Witherspoon has more teeth than there are grains of sand on a beach
Anyway, Reese Witherspoon has a new film out that will also make people cry, but in a “aw that’s so sad” way rather than a “Goddamnit who would put a nine word charade into the deck this is the worst Christmas EVER” way.
It’s got sparkly Twilight vampire Robert Pattinson in it, which means an awful lot of young girls are very excited to see the gawky scrub lank his way down the red carpet. We just don’t get why they like him so much. He’s got a big long face like a naan bread.
"Keep calm and love elephants." Clever stuff
Crucially, though, it’s also got Christophe Waltz in it. Christophe Waltz played terrifying Nazi Col. Hanz Landa in Inglorious Basterds, making him the second-best thing in that film right after Brad Pitt’s ridiculous Italian accent.
Plus, it’s set in a Circus (and who doesn’t love the Circus?), and it’s got elephants and acrobats and train-top chases and violence and jealousy and revolvers. Sounds like it could be alright, you know. Might give it a go. Trailer incoming!