In a staggeringly unsurprising turn of events, it turns out Rihanna is still almost unfathomably gorgeous. Ho hum. Change the record, love.
Here she is on stage in Sao Paulo Brazil wearing what amounts to a pair of knickers and a T-shirt, looking so hot you could probably fry eggs on her. YAWN. Skimpy stage outfits, Rihanna? Dance routines that frankly border on the erotic, where you pinch your bum and sing sexily into the camera? Showing off your lithe, wonderful body to the best of your abilities?
That man woke up behind Rihanna with no knowledge of how he got there
Let's be frank - there's nothing here we haven't seen before. Rihanna continues to look hot as hell and sing some of the world's finer pop music in countries all around the world. God. Mix it up, would you? Maybe try staggering out on stage looking haggard and unkempt wearing a pair of grey tracky bottoms and smoking a Lambert and Butler out the corner of your mouth. Your hair's always so cool, too – you could stop washing it and start cutting it yourself in the bathroom mirror with a pair of blunt scissors.
Or just shave it off badly, you know, whatever
Perhaps try a less sensual dance routine next time - one that just involves you sat in a swivel chair, shuffing yourself around in a circle like a bored child, as you mumble out your songs with none of your trademark sass and charisma.
Seriously, if you come out on stage one more time looking this incredible – just like you always bloody have – we don't know what we'll do.1
1Write about it, probably