Oh, Rihanna. Life isn’t all you’d hoped, is it? Despite being very wealthy and #3 Sexiest Woman in the World (to prove this, do a quick test. Look at a nearby woman. Unless she’s Katy Perry or Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Rihanna is sexier than her. FACT), you’re just not as happy as you could be. And you decided to express that in a song that features a magic extending bed.

Go Go Gadget Bed!

Rihanna’s new single, California King Bed, isn’t much of a song. It’s a bit... wet. And we can’t see anyone busting out their funky moves to it à la S&M, you know what we mean? But, as ever, Rihanna looks great in it. So we don’t mind.

In fact, the track could just be three minutes of people dragging cats down blackboards or audio of Joe Pesquale’s legs being smashed in with a lump hammer, and we wouldn’t mind. As long as Rihanna carries on looking great in videos, that’s fine with us.

We recognised the track name California King Bed, and wondered where it was that we recognised it from. After a bit of research , we discovered that it’s attached to an band (nope) a 1997 gay porn film (definitely not, no, we weren’t watching that, we weren’t curious or anything) and a drinking game. Only without the “bed” part.

Fun fact: Rihanna has more hair than the average family

Ah. Ah yeah. Now we remember. We can remember someone getting out the cards. We can remember calling ourselves The Pretty Prince of Party. We can remember... swimming. Don’t know where, or why. We can remember the dawn coming up like thunder and waking up with the Queen of Spades stuck to our forehead.

It’s a good game. We think. It must be. Maybe we should give it a go again and film it. After all, last time that happened, everything seemed to go fine.