Rihanna’s on her summer hols, which is nice. And, as you do, on your summer hols, she’s wrapped a skin-tight portrait of the Godfather of Reggae around her body. Yes. Of course. Perfectly standard thing to do. Wait, what?
Rihanna’s really starting to push it, now. She’s toted pistols in her videos, shot at aliens with a ship-mounted gatling cannon, purchased a magic extending bed for use in arguments, and spanked Britney Spears live on stage. What else are we going to let her get away with?
This latest ridiculous move (abated somewhat by the way that, as ever, she looks tremendously sexy) may well be the last straw. Might this be the end of Rihanna’s outrageous behaviour that remains largely benign? If we’re not careful, she’ll let all this power go to her head.
Or, indeed, Bob Marley's head
Before we know it, she’ll be commandeering a tank with herself painted on the side of it in a sexy 50’s pin-up style and invading Poland. If anyone else tried that, they’d get shot to pieces by the Polish military in no short order – but it’s Rihanna, of course, so everyone just smiles and thinks “Well, it is a bit rash, but she’s so pretty and fun and she makes such cheery music I probably shouldn’t speak up” and she gets away with it.
Legions of hot-panted storm troopers march in perfect sync to Shut Up and Drive as her armies roll across the beleaguered Eastern European front. Rihanna herself rides in a golden throne atop a specially modified mobile battle fortress made to look like a heavily armoured parade float. And all the while we sit quietly humming along to her music, shaking our heads and rolling our eyes at her latest wacky antics while she annexes Denmark in a bloodless coup.
Well, no more! This is the end.* Rihanna, you’ll get no more encouragement from us.**
*This is actually not the end really, we were being silly
** If you continue to do anything whatsoever in swimwear, you will have our undying support