Rihanna was in Sydney yesterday. That’s nothing unusual. These pop stars are always jetting around the globe for one thing or another.

While she was there, Rihanna went to Beppi’s restaurant. That’s not a surprise, either. A girl’s got to eat, and as it’s the start of the month, Rihanna won’t be getting up early to make the dreaded ‘last week before payday’ spam sandwiches on no frills value bread. Maybe she went all out and had three courses. Probably not, though, she’s not a bloody free-spending lunatic.

As Rihanna left the restaurant, a bunch of fans tried to touch her and stuff. That’s pretty normal, too. Rihanna’s very nice and people like to touch things that are nice. Like cute dogs’ ears. And fluffy jumpers.

Cap'n friendlyhands is at it again

As people were getting all up in her grill and trying to touch her, Rihanna’s security guard did his job and made sure no one got a bit over familiar with his employer. Again, pretty standard stuff.

Except, this time, something very unusual happened. As he was guiding her through the crowd, Rihanna's security bloke's manly right hand gave her right boob a right old cupping. We’re pretty sure that’s not in the bodyguard’s instruction manual. We don’t remember Kevin Costner cupping Whitney Houston’s boobs in The Bodyguard. Wait, what d’you mean they did a sex in that film? Shut up, filthbag, it’s a 12 for God's sake. 

Weirder still, a cheeky little kangaroo had a good old gawp at her left breast. Look at the little blighter. He can’t take his beady little eyes off her.

“What’s that you say, Skip? Someone fell down the mineshaft and broke their leg? Well stop perving at Rihanna’s chest and go and rescue them then, you lazy little git”