When FHM heard that Rihanna’s new single was going to be called S&M we naturally assumed that this was an ironic title. It’s not like RiRi to be so crass as to release a song about the murky underworld of inflicting and suffering pain in order to derive significant, often sexual, pleasure.

Then we saw the video.

Her latest effort sees Rihanna squeezing more innuendos into four minutes than you could shake your giant stick at…sorry – she’s a lot better at it than us.

In a scene reminiscent of your average Tory party conference, the video starts with the Bajan superstar trapped in a popstar-sized plastic bag while addressing a room full of gagged journalists (FHM’s invite must have been lost in the post – we’d have been there will bells on, though we draw the line at fishnet stockings).

By far the least enjoyable moment of the video is professional celeb-botherer Perez Hilton’s cameo as Rihanna’s pet gimp. David Cameron’s Director of Communications, Andy Coulson, said upon resigning last week that when a spokesman becomes part of the story it’s time to move on. Is there not a similar rule about bloggers appearing in music videos? Shame.

The last 30 seconds of the video sees the suggestion-o-meter go into overdrive with slow motion shots of bananas being eaten and ice cream being licked. Apparently brain-meltingly-blatant is the new subtle.

We’ll leave you with one of S&M’s equally subtle lyrics, “Sex in the air, I don’t care I love the smell of it”. So please, we urge you, if you’re ever going round Rihanna’s house, take some Febreeze.