“I must be cruel only to be kind,” said our old pal Willy Shakespeare, “Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind."

Well what merciless twist of cruel fate is this we’re faced with on this sunny day? Selena Gomez, of only recent interest by virtue of her 18th birthday, appears to have gone and ruined everything by dating Justin Bieber.

If there was one ‘man’ we wouldn’t want a girl we like to be smooching, it’s Justin bloody Bieber. Genuinely, we’d rather they were dating Raoul Moat’s less well-rounded brother. Or Charlie Sheen. Ron Jeremy, even. Anyone, literally en-eeee-one but the Bieber Belieber get-out-of-our-lives-please-you-make-us-want-to-rip-our-own-arms-off-and-use-them-to-club-ourselves-to-death-by-holding-them-between-our-feet-and-repeatedly-whacking-them-against-our-cranium-oh-yes-you’d-better-Belieb-it miniscule pop git.

But, crushingly, the internet is awash with gossip about the pair’s blossoming relationship and alleged footage of them kissing and canoodling.


"Justin who?"

Denial, as they say, is a wonderful river in which to take a dip.

“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

The obvious answer would be: yes. Of course it makes a bloody sound. What a ridiculous question. It would probably make a bit of a creaking sound, followed by some rustling and snapping as it brushes past other trees on its way down to the ground, and would end in an almighty crash as it downfall is finalised by gravity. All depending on the type of tree, of course.

But another viewpoint would be: no. If we refuse to accept the fact that Justin Bieber is dating Selena Gomez, then it’s not really happening.

Thus, we vow to ignore the spectre of the world’s most popular 16-year-old lesbian boy hanging over the bundle of delectable loveliness that is Selena Gomez. It may be cruel, but it’s only to be kind.