What did you get your partner for Valentine’s Day? We ask, not because we bought a decent gift and are trying to boast. But because we are almost certain that the present Justin Bieber gave Selena Gomez puts yours to shame. And we’re almost certain Bieber’s present puts yours to shame, because he bought Gomez every single flower in a shop.

Smooth little runt, it’s that kind of behaviour that makes regular men, and our service station bouquets, look bad. Still, at least we can take solace in the fact that he isn’t boffing Gomez right now.

How do we know? Because he’s in LA messing about with Rihanna and she’s in Tokyo promoting her series The Wizards of Waverly Place, which is about a girl whose Gran leaves her a fire-breathing dragon.

We made that up, obviously. We have no idea what Selena’s show is about, because we aren’t pre-pubescent. Thankfully Selena isn’t pre-pubescent either. She’s 18. Which means we can say things like ‘look at those legs’ and ‘what a hot little chasse’.

Someone once told FHM that we had a ‘hot little chasse’. It was a female bodybuilder who we were posing off against, and she also believed that we had ‘impressive calves’. She was less enamoured with our beer belly and moobs, but, hey, you can’t have everything… or can you?

We pose this question, because it has come to our attention that the hot, young, talented, rich and taken Gomez might have everything. Actually, wait. There are two things that she doesn’t have. She doesn’t have sweatless armpits and she doesn't have a ranking in FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World. The latter is something that not even Bieber can’t give her. Only FHM readers can, folks. Only FHM readers can. 

Wall was drunk again