Sofia Vergara is at the beach. Fair enough. We can believe that. She’s a saucy latin mama with a penchant for a fine sun tan and the easy living you can only get by the seaside. Rather than go on a donkey ride, though, she’s plumped for relaxing on a sun lounger in the middle of the beach.

Hand fans: ineffective

But it’s hot, isn’t it, Sofia? Almost too hot. You want to cool down. You want refreshment. And right over there is a girl drinking a can of refreshing Diet Pepsi like she owns the place, that skinny little bitch. You could kill her and take it, but then people might start asking questions.


Look, there’s a stall that sells Pepsi – just Pepsi, going by the sign set up – right there on the beach. But it’s swarming with women. Bitches. Even Sofia Vergara couldn’t kill them all. There has to be another way with less bloodshed involved.

You cunning devil, Vergara

She has an idea! Swiftly concocting a lie about David Beckham being at the pier, she tweets it and everyone’s phone starts ringing because a) they carry their phones in their bikinis and b) they have it set up to ring whenever someone tweets with the hashtag #DavidBeckham, apparently. Screams! Elation! They run away to see the footballer. More fool them!

Bartenders: aloof

Sofia sashays glamorously towards the bar, orders her ice-cold Diet Pepsi and sits back down on the now-deserted beach. She sips and then – gosh! – who shows up but David Beckham! Hilarity ensues and Sofia widens her sultry Latino eyes and it’s a LIE, it’s all LIES, none of this is even REAL. Look:

See? They even spray moisture onto the can to make it look more refreshing. It could be full of lukewarm turds for all we know, or the fresh blood of an orphan. Plus, just to rub it in, they release this patently untrue footage of David Beckham kicking balls into dustbins:

See? Lies. LIES. Open your eyes, people.