Shakira, don’tcherknow, is a very sexy lady. Even though it seems so long ago she was assuring us her breasts were small and humble, unlike mountains, she’s still turning out fantastic poledancing-led content like her new video Rabiosa. Take a look.

Shakira in her Rabiosa video
Fig 1: Substitute teacher Shakira

There are two Shakiras in this video, fact fans. Firstly, there’s the dark-haired one who likes hanging out in baths full of balls and dancing with men in pink vests, all the while looking a bit like a substitute teacher or something. A really hot substitute teacher, don’t get us wrong, but still. She’s at a house party with more than one man in a pink vest, which must be nice for her.

Shakira covered in balls
Shakira holding a pair of balls (snerk)

Then there’s the other Shakira, the one with hair that we recognise, poledancing around in her underwear like nobody’s business and looking pretty sexy while she does it. Good old blonde Shakira. You don’t care what colour vest a bloke’s wearing. You’re equal-opportunity like that.

Fig 2: Blonde poledancing Shakira

Rabiosa, if you’re interested, means “Rabid” in Spanish. And the chorus, “invite me in la boca” roughly translates to “invite me into your mouth,” which is a terrible idea if either party is suffering from rabies. Which Shakira heavily implies she is. Best go to your local ER rather than exchanging mouth invites with your collaborator Pitbull.

Also, Pitbull, eh? What’s up with him? When he sings, it sounds like he’s sat on his balls by accident.

Pervy truck liked what it saw

If you’re listened to the song by this point, we’re very sorry. It’s not a great song. It’s not even a good song. It might well be verging on “bad.” But Shakira poledances in her underwear and looks really sexy, and that should be enough for anyone.

(If you want our advice, whack the Shakira video on mute and play the audio from Infinity Guitars by Sleigh Bells instead. Now that's a proper song. It sort of fits, too, in a weird way)