What were you doing on Saturday night? Watching a cornucopia of desperate women poring over a sleazy bloke they see as their final bastion in the fight against rejection and a life of miserable solitude on Take Me Out?

Perhaps you were hitting the town. Out on the razzle. Having a right ol’ tear up. Maybe you started off in Wetherspoons, just to have a few looseners, like. Then you all stepped it up a notch and hit Vodka Revolution. Few cheeky shots. “If our night is a V12 engine, let fancifully flavoured vodka be the oil that lubricates it.” Suitably inebriated, you piled into the local discotheque. You danced. You postured. You cast the ‘love eyes’ around like Vishnu on a fishing trip. You indulged in some heavy petting with some decidedly unsavoury women. Then you stumbled into AbraKebabra for a wholly insalubrious meal.

Or maybe you shunned the traumas of a night out and had some chums round for dinner. One of those Jamie Oliver recipes you found on the internet. It went down pretty well, all things considered. Sure, some of the veg was a bit more ‘al dente’ than you’d planned but everyone was too polite to mention it. And you all soaked up the wine like an absorbent sponge in the Amazon during rainy season. No one can remember whose idea ‘strip Twister’ was but some of those friendships will never be quite the same again.

'Lightning' off of Gladiators was still keeping trim

Whatever you were doing, you almost certainly weren’t picking up two awards at the NRJ Music Awards in Cannes. The awards that you particularly weren’t picking up were Song of the Year and Female International Artist. Because hip-shaking hitmaker Shakira got them. Don’t worry, she’s got Take Me Out on series link.

Oh, yeah, and while she was singing one of her songs at the awards bash type thing she was in this picture which made it look a bit like she had an itchy back and was trying to scratch it. Which, if you remember, was what we referred to in the headline. And you thought we’d gone crazy. Tsk.

"I'll scratch your back..." said sleazy microphone